Today I would be feverishly preparing for the arrival of Will (not his real name), who expressed passionate interest in being the co-founder of Wilberforce Village. However, this visit most fortunately was canceled when I found that we were incompatible in a very profound way. I also realized that I was in denial about some patterns I was observing in our interactions. My profound desire to find a co-founder and thus more easily get Wilberforce Village off the ground blinded me to a number of behaviors that Will was exhibiting which would inevitably lead to conflict.
I grieved for a short time, but this setback did not devastate me nearly as much as situations where in the past I felt the rug pulled from under me. I think that perhaps on some level, I knew things were not going to work out. I also trust in God’s good will for me, and so many times he has protected me from situations where I did not know what was best for me.
I really did my best to screen Will. I sent him a pretty detailed questionnaire. I asked for references which he readily provided. These interpersonal agreements which I hoped would ensure harmony were gone over in our second conversation. He said he had looked over all the values including some personal beliefs I had, and he whole-heartedly embraced them all. I wrote more about why I was so impressed with him in this blog post.
Our long phone conversations initially led me to believe that he was really committed to the task of co-founding Wilberforce Village and all the details that were involved including finalizing the values, vision, and the nuts and bolts of the operation. Not having these things in place, I have been reluctant to enthusiastically promote the project. Even though I have been working on building the village on this specific land for 22 years, and really getting serious when I was given funding to work on the project in 2017, getting to a place where I could say “good enough for now, safe enough to try” just did not happen.
I also felt empthy for Will. He had converted to Christianity only 3 years before, and was a vegan for 12 years. He said he knew that the only way to live was in a community where everyone was giving a hundred percent to contribute to the community. I was inspired by his fervor, and really wanted him to be able to live in such a way that would nurture him–and me, also. He was open to learning about Christian Universalism, and within a week he was 100 percent convinced that God was powerful enough and loving enough to save all of life through Jesus Christ. Of course that inspired me.
To meet a committed Christian Universalist vegan who seemed compatible in every way was fulfilling a deep need for companionship and co-working to found a community I’d been dreaming about for almost 50 years. I believed that he respected me and my vision.
I am glad that Will and I had many conversations about what the community would look like. In my next post which I will write soon, I describe how I have come to conclusions finally that I feel hopeful are in alignment with God’s plan for creating a “kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.” These words from the “Lord’s Prayer where Jesus says in Matthew 6 (Amplified version:
9 “Pray, then, [a]in this way:
‘Our Father, who is in heaven,
[b]Hallowed be Your name.
10
‘[c]Your kingdom come,
Your [d]will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
I have been very much inspired to base the community on Jesus teachings in the Sermon on the Mount. I want to thank Will for inspiring me to do research on the Bruderhof Communities. Their abundance of videos on Youtube and the writings on their website have really helped me to crystalize what I envision more clearly than ever before.
My mistake was that I did not go over the values one by one with Will near the beginning. When we finally did this process, I brought up a question. Should gay people be allowed to marry or do they need to be celibate. The community will definitely have the value that sexual relations happen only within the confines of marriage. I have been trying to figure out if gay marriage is something that can be allowed in the community. I will write more on this topic in a later post. In the mean time, I would like to hear your opinions.
Will’s response was adamant. “Gay people should not be allowed to belong to the community.” Even if gay people were allowed and asked to be celibate, they would not be obedient, he added.
Wow! I knew immediately that we had hit a wall. I was shocked. His belief that all people who were attracted to the same sex were victims of trauma in their childhood added to my concern. Clearly this has not been proven, yet he was positive because of his experience with gay people, that this was the case.
I choose not to go into the other things that made me realize that Will and I probably not be a person I would choose even to be friends with. He is not a terrible, deceptive narcissist. Really, I feel confused by his actions. I realize that I didn’t get to know the “real Will.” He did not think he was affected by the trauma he experienced being bullied as a child, as well as other challenges he faced. I realize now that I ignored my consistent belief that anyone who is alive is probably dealing with some kind of trauma and there needs to be an acknowledgement of this and strategies for healing.
I really am grateful to Will for helping me see my weaknesses and alerting me to how I still will give up my needs for another who holds promise in helping me create community. I will be extra-vigilant in the future, and relying more on God’s guidance and gut feelings than my desires for accomplishing my cherished goals.
