Emotional Health:

I will use the definition of emotional intelligence to define emotional health. Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.

Emotional intelligence is generally said to include at least three skills: emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same.

Vision: Picture with me, if you are willing, the following possibility: 

The people in our community are dealing with their feelings/emotions in such constructive ways. We do much inner work to heal our past trauma, which has helped us be totally present and connect to each other.

When we have feelings indicating needs are not being met, or judgements/beliefs are happening, our ability to communicate clearly without blame or demands is super helpful. In fact, we welcome disagreements because we know we are going to grow and draw closer. Not one of us is conflict avoidant because we have learned that we are safe.

If people do get stuck in negative patterns and are unable to relate to one or more people positively, our group methods can help them get unstuck and restored to harmony. Evenings when we don’t have specific activities which increase our connection and love for each other,  we sit around with the children and debrief the day. There is always someone available to do that kind of sharing with in case something stressful has happened during the day.

Since we have regular classes in harmonious communication, learning and practicing such models as Nonviolent Communication, we all have the skills of empathic listening and speaking in ways that increase the possibility that our true thoughts and feelings can be understood and helpful dialogue can happen.

Resources:

This article is about an approach in psychotherapy that embraces 5 different areas of healing.

Immanuel Approach:  This technique of healing past hurts with the help of Jesus has helped me immensely. I met the creator, Karl Lehman, and his wife Charlotte when I visited the Reba Place Fellowship. They were kind and I perceived they were walking their talk. I was inspired by this decades-old Christian community because they used this method with great success to help heal fractured relationships because people could work on themselves in a constructive way. Here is an excerpt from the website:

“Immanuel Approach shifts the primary objective from “resolve trauma and relieve symptoms” to “help the person connect more intimately with Jesus by removing barriers between her heart and Him.” We gratefully accept the resolution of psychological trauma and the associated symptom relief as side benefits, but the more important priority is to remove blockages that stand between our hearts and Jesus.”

I really think that this approach can be adapted and used with anyone on any spiritual path with their own spiritual master or a wise being who they feel drawn to.

Can You Hear Me God: Tuning into the God who speaks: This book helps us to do inner healing which leads to emotional health. I’ve listened to every talk Brad has given on Youtube, and I feel inspired each time by his authenticity, vulnerability and belief that God loves everyone and no one is designated for eternal conscious torment. This gives him a refreshing attitude that helps him to reach out to people of all faiths with no expectations of “getting them saved.” He just wants to share healing, and if Jesus is their healer, all the better.

I purchased this book recently (Sept. 2019) and I think it supplements the Immanuel Approach beautifully as well as offers ideas for those who do not consider Jesus their master. The following does not even mention emotional healing, but really, that is the outcome of following the practices in this book.

From Brad’s website: This book will help you will:

• Learn the simplicity of listening prayer and connect with God deeply and personally.
• Experience personal meeting places in different rooms of your heart, in God’s Word, and in your world, that you can access freely whenever you need to meet with Jesus.
• Identify and overcome blocks to connecting intimately with God. Stop the silence!
• Apply listening prayer in decision-making, parenting, in your local church, and for inner healing. Jesus alone is the wonderful counselor who delights to answer your questions.
• Test and Distinguish between God’s voice and all those competing voices.

9 Steps To Healing Trauma: I found this article helpful and the tips could be applied to other inner healing techniques.

19 Relational Skills: According to this theory, we will be emotionally healthy when we learn how to relate to people and Jesus in healthy ways. These skills, when learned, will help our brains and hearts.

Journey Groups: I just joined an online group and I hope to learn more how to practice the skills above with other people who also want to practice these skills. I hope to develop such a method without needing to focus on Jesus alone, but rather allowing people to adopt their own spiritual needs to the healing.

Skills for Empathic Listening: One of the unique things about NVC is that the empathic listening technique helps the listener to focus on what people are wanting rather than what they are believing or judging to be true.

A format for Empathy buddies: I appreciate the detail that this format attends to. This could be something we implement with each other and with others who are part of our online community.

30 quotes about emotional intelligence: From the book,

See more resources in the story below.

My story

The only time I can really remember my mom being empathic was when I was in the 3rd grade and was sobbing as I ran the few blocks that brought me to my  home. Concerned, she asked what was wrong. “I got a check for a grade in my writing class,” I explained sadly. “A check is even worse than an F!” I was used to getting B’s an A’s, and even as early as 8 years old I was attached to getting good grades.

My mom took me in her arms and let me cry. Even though we later discovered that a check merely meant “needs improvement,” having my mom be willing to let me cry left a memory still embedded in my heart as a wonderfully nurturing thing.

Sadly, some of the phrases I can remember from my parents are, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” or “If you are disrespectful like that I’m going to wash out your mouth with soap.”  My father, most likely suffering from PTSD from being in the Korean War, could be happy one minute, and super angry the next. My mom used food to stuff her feelings. Even though in many ways my childhood was a thousand times better than many others have had, my emotional health was stunted because of their lack of knowledge about feelings.

I want to emphasize that even though my parents hadn’t learned emotional skills to the degree I would have liked, they did know how to say words of encouragement, and provide activities and environments that helped me to grow in countless ways. My father consistently said, “You can do anything you set your mind to.”

I did go to an encounter group in college in 1973. I found the experience to be pretty harsh. I think we were supposed to be expressing feelings, but likely we were using phrases like, “I feel that you are too pushy.” This, being pure judgement couched in words that made it sound like feelings, was a turn off to me about the benefits of dealing with feelings constructively.

I did express a lot of enthusiasm and happiness which has been a natural thing for me all my life. But I suppressed my scary more vulnerable feelings for the most part. I know that I was seeking to be vulnerable and intimate once I discovered the excitement of sexual connection. Starting having serious sex play with my first boyfriend in the 11th grade in 1971, and then losing my virginity with my most serious boyfriend as a senior in 1972, I had many sexual partners including one night stands because I was seeking that deep connection that the sharing of feelings in a safe place could yield. I just found pain, emptiness, rejection, and shame.

When I met Cliff, my now former husband and friend, I found the first person in my life I could feel completely safe with. And yet, we still had not understood how essential the sharing all of our feelings. I had two affairs during our marriage which lead to me feeling deeply depressed because I know now that I was so out of touch with my feelings of remorse and my needs for being in integrity that survival meant I had to shut down my feelings.

Learning about feelings did help our marriage to a certain extent. Cliff is the kindest person I know, and he did his best to help me feel safe in sharing everything on my heart.  However, I was still attracted to other men, and I didn’t realize that I needed to look into what I was really feeling and needing by looking outside my marriage for sexual and intimate connection. Doing this, I think, could have saved our marriage.

It wasn’t until I was about 26, in 1981, that I really grasped the importance of feelings. “Feelings are not good or bad, but what you do with them can be either constructive or destructive.” I read those words in a little booklet called “Feel Alive, Have a Heart Talk.” I love the book so much, and the skills I learned are those which I use to this day as I facilitate groups.

I contacted the author, the late Cliff Durfee, who hired me to work as his administrative assistant. I was now immersed in the feeling world. He inspired me to attend the weekend transformational seminar, Insight, where feelings were the main thing we talked about for two days and and evening!

Jack Canfield was just starting his own business after leaving a successful work as a facilitator for a transformational seminar company, and one of the first place he decided to do his own seminars was in San Diego, where Live Love Laugh, Cliff’s company, was located. I became the volunteer coordinator and did a great deal of the work in producing his seminars for teachers and the general public. For the next year, I attended at least one weekend seminar a month and additionally a few 5 week intensives.

Learning how to express anger and get to the vulnerable feelings of fear, sadness, regret, to unconditional love is a tool I use to this day.  The “love letter technique” that John Grey developed and Jack taught helped me to identify and accept the full range of my emotions.

We also dove deep into healing childhood wounds so we could forgive our parents and others who hurt us.

I realized from this training that going to my parents home on holidays where my siblings joined us was very triggering to me. I didn’t know the term at the time, I just knew that I always felt miserable when I attended these events. When I told my parents I would no longer be joining them for Christmas and Thanksgiving, they accepted my decision. However, my older sister especially never forgave me for hurting my mom.

I left Live Love Laugh after about a year of very intense and joyful work. I know I left on good terms because about ten years ago when I asked Cliff for a reference, he spoke about me in glowing terms. Here is what he said:

“Patricia Mikkelson worked for me in the company called Live Love Laugh. She was always a dynamic and energetic presence in making things happen, coming up with creative new ideas, coordinating many volunteers, organizing events, workshops and publicity– just to name a few of her many contributions to the success of Live Love Laugh. During that time she also helped organize and produce various Self Esteem workshops led by the now famous Jack Canfield, co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series. Patricia is a forward thinker and seems to always press for things that make it a better world for everyone.”

Wow! I felt really good reading that–I forgot what wonderful things Cliff said about me!

I know my life was transformed by all this focus on feelings, yet something was missing. There wasn’t enough focus on needs and wants. Plus, I did not gain skills in communicating. The next 9 or so years were pretty rough for me. Attending Self Realization Temple, where mediation was emphasized and feelings were supposed to be transformed by mediation. Also, I was part of a church called Church Universal and Triumphant, which encouraged saying decrees as a way of overcoming negative feelings.

I loved my Cliff, my husband a the time, and yet I kept feeling attracted to other men. Those feelings were overwhelming to me, and three times I gave in and had affairs. That story needs to be told another time–maybe under the category of integrity. I was so out of integrity. Eventually I was able to share with Cliff the truth of what I had done. However, because I just wanted my freedom to pursue one particular attraction, I chose to demand a divorce.

I share this story because I really believe that it was Cliff and my ability to share our vulnerable feelings with each other that kept us from working together to help me either overcome these desires to be with other men sexually, or else to peacefully separate in a way that didn’t betray Cliff’s trust.

I am overjoyed to say that Cliff and I are very close friends, and we continue to healing work on betrayal issues up until this day in 2019.

Cliff and I may not still be together except for two important events took place. I got pregnant 3 days after I asked for the divorce–and rather than be a single mother, I asked Cliff if he would take me back. And he did, for which I am forever grateful. I probably had to be pretty vulnerable to do that!

While I was pregnant with Chris, in 1988, I was invited to a class called Nonviolent Communication where something called “empathic listening” was taught. Active listening was something I had read about, and I’m sure the facilitators who I admired so much in the transformational seminars used that method, but for some reason I just could not understand what the term meant. Yet I was strongly attracted to the idea of listening as effectively as possible to people.

I fell in love with NVC at my very first class, and was delighted to discover that Marshall Rosenberg who created the model of communication that has helped me to the present in so many ways, taught in a near by city.

Learning NVC before Chris was born, as well as reading the book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,” (still a popular guide to parenting) was essential for my parenting needs. I never wanted to have a child partially because I wanted to save the world, and partly because I had only experienced from my parents and other parents–an authoritarian way of raising children.

With my skills, well practiced by Chris’s birth in 1989, I was able to have conversations with him even though he was pre-verbal. When he was crying,  I would say things like, “Are you frustrated because you want some num num (breast milk)? I would offer him my breast and as he sucked hungrily I felt satisfied because I accurately guessed his feeling and need.

Being able to really empathize with both of my children throughout their lives yielded so many benefits, some of which I will share in my raising  children’s section.

I had a big let down when I wanted to be a teacher of Nonviolent Communication after taking several intensives and back to back series of classes from the numerous teachers living in San Diego area.  Without giving me a reason, Holly Humphreys was nominated to tell me that the other teachers didn’t want me to be part of their group. There was no certification in 1990, when I was deeply involved in NVC, and even though Marshall though I was qualified to teach, he had no power or desire to override the decision.

I have found very consistently that often what a group teaches is not how they act. This group of teachers was very uncompassionate because I never new why they rejected me.

About 20 years later, Holly Humphreys, one of my favorite NVC teachers contacted me to collaborate on a music project. I talked to her about the hurt I felt so long ago, and she apologized and said that she agreed that their action was not fair. And she made some amends by giving me a great recommendation, including these words:

“Patricia has been studying and practicing NVC as a way of life for around 20 years. If this skill were all she brought to a team, the collaborative results would be impressive. This woman is not daunted by huge responsibility. She will not only thrive upon it, she will inspire others to bring forth their shining best.”

NVC helped Cliff and I to navigate the painful journey to divorce when Chris was a year old. With this ability to communicate–and Cliff had taken classes and even taught a class on NVC with me–we were able to co-parent and even live together after our divorce. (We decided to teach a class even though I wasn’t accepted as an official teacher.)

After about 20 years of diligently practicing NVC with family, friends, co-workers, I realized that I was getting tired of feeling so many feelings. I wanted to find a way of being more peaceful. So many of my emotions seemed to be triggers from past experiences. Empathic listening could help to a certain degree help heal childhood wounds. And then I discovered, in 1996, Re-evaluation Counseling.

Taught by Amrit Carolyn Knaus, who is still one of my best friends, and no longer an RC teacher, I was almost if not more enthusiastic about RC than NVC. I learned that distress from trauma is stored in our bodies, and we need to release the distress through physical means including laughing, crying, rapid talking, and shaking.

Equally important to the theory is that having a loving person who sees the inherent goodness in me present to support me in doing the release helped overcome the hurt we usually feel when we are young. For example, a baby who cries herself to sleep because the parent believes that is the way to train the infant to sleep through the night on a schedule, is left with a feeling of abandonment. No one was there to hear her cries.

Although I no longer recommend Reevaluation Counseling because of various reasons, including too many cult-like qualities of the organization, I feel grateful for what I learned about healing past traumas and how powerful this can be to heal deeper issues.

Still, I didn’t feel the peace I yearned for. Emotional health was illusive for me. I was out of control way too much. Anger was a destructive force in my life ever since I was in the 8th grade when I lost my temper with the class president and got fired from the refreshment committee.

When I committed my life to follow Jesus in 2001, (up until now, 2019) I found a church where it seemed like people were so loving and accepting that maybe that would be my healing journey. The combination of connecting with Jesus and finally feeling a sense of belonging with people who I thought sincerely cared about my well being.

I embraced for about 6 months the idea that Jesus would heal me of everything, and that feelings weren’t so important. I never stopped being empathic with my children and others–yet I did have hope that my roller coaster emotional life could calm down. I definitely have had more peace than ever before since I surrendered my life to Jesus. And yet at the same time, I have had some very challenging circumstances which tested my faith and several times lead me to want to leave Jesus behind.

Although the congregation seemed super friendly, at that time I was not a Christian. But once I made a public testimony that I was now officially following Jesus and was joining the Christian club, things changed. I was somewhat pressured into making this statement even though I sensed this was a journey that I wanted to keep private for a while. But my yearning for approval lead me to adopt some fundamentalist attitudes which I shed pretty quickly.

Now that I was an official Christian, I was expected to act like a Christian. The complicated story of what happened needs to be told another time. I learned later that I was an empath, and the disapproval and unexpressed critical thoughts along with feelings of others which were covered up by empty smiles and bright words, left me in a state of confusion and unease. I trusted that people really liked me, and yet when I found out the gossip and back-stabbing going on, I realized then why I was so consistently anxious.

Thus, I was very grateful to learn about the Immanuel Process about 5 years ago, in 2014. This was similar to RC in that I could go back to the past and heal childhood and other memories with the help of Jesus. I longed for a partner to do exchanges with, but unlike RC, I could do this process alone with Jesus. Healing from the wounds I experienced in the toxic church environment took a solid year of doing Immanuel Approach every day as my main spiritual practice. Although still not entirely resolved, I am able to go to the old church I went to, which is in my neighborhood and comprised of people who I raised my children with, and feel at peace. I hope for complete reconciliation where everyone involved can take responsibility for the pain my family and I experienced because of the inability for people to be authentic.

Also 5 years ago in 2014, I discovered a theory of healing called Life Model based on Jim Wilder’s work in”neurotheology”.  I ordered the brand new book,  “Joy Starts Here.” Since then, I have seen his work which he focused on in a smaller way, take off quickly as others in Christianity who have had similar views, or are inspire by his work, are promoting Bible-based teachings which support emotional health.

I’ve stayed away from church for a few years having had extremely hurtful experiences in almost all of them. Yet I want to be around other Christ-followers for encouragement. Thus, recently, Sept. 2019, I joined a “journey group” were about 6 of us are learning to practice the 19 relational skills which Chris Coursey theorizes are needed for emotional health. Inspired by Jim Wilder, I find this list to be very helpful and I hope to dive deeper in my learning of these skills in my weekly one hour meeting.  Perhaps I will lead such a group some day, although not with the Deeper Walk Ministries which has a list of beliefs which I do not subscribe to.

Another thing that has helped me to calm my emotions is to meditate, and take frequent meditation/contemplation breaks throughout the day. Once, for about 4 months, I did live Facebook videos where 7 times a day I would pause and do a spiritual practice. I was very lonely at the time, and this practice connected me with a handful of people who really encouraged me. You can find the Facebook page here. 

Although I have struggled with emotional ups and downs, the good thing is that I no longer stay down very long because when I do feel helpless, hopeless, sad, angry, and other feelings that indicate I have some unmet needs or beliefs, I do my emotional healing work. For the past year, I consistently find that using all the tools that I have at my disposal, I just don’t get depressed.

There were a number of times when I did get severely depressed and just wanted my life to end. When I traveled at age 19, I was in the depths of despair when I had traveled 8 months of my 13 month solo journey through Southeast Asia. I had not yet found the purpose and fulfillment I had sought. I did want to die–however, I wasn’t then, and probably will never, be capable of committing suicide. I found the movie, Godspell, in of all places, Colombo, Sri Lanka. Each time I viewed the movie, which was every day for 6 days, my mood lifted. I think that our Creator sent me that experience to help me to know the true nature of Jesus. I still love the music in that musical.

When an affair with a married man was ended because he wanted to go back to his wife.

Break up with the first boyfriend I was sexually involved with.

Many times when I was really lonely while traveling my 13 month solo trip.

The times when I had affairs outside of my marriage–both during the affairs and afterwards when the two men I was involved with rejected me.

2000: After the Fayetteville “uphold the tree ordinance and tree sit” saga that I spearheaded. I was rejected and vilified by the people who I helped bring into influential positions.

When my 40 day efforts to try to find people to come together buy land for community resulted me me failing to find the people and forfeiting $1000 that I had borrowed for earnest money.

After a series of toothaches that were agonizing and debilitating, and I couldn’t find a way to heal my teeth naturally. I had to have teeth pulled.

When Robert left me for another woman.

When I found out that the community of my dreams, East Wind, was not what I thought it was and I was kicked out.

2008: After spearheading the Ron Paul Revolution Meetup in Fayetteville, and the community I thought was forming fell a part when Ron Paul had no chance to run for president.

Often after having a fight with Robert which sadly we had many. Or when I felt rejected by him even when we were separated or divorced.

When I was pregnant with my daughter. I was not ready to have another child because my son was just turning 7 and I wanted to pour my energy into him.

When I had hepatitis (unbeknownst to me) on month 9 of my Travels to the East, and I was alone and struggling to try to get well.

When my yoga teacher, Tim Miller, would treat me in less than respectful ways during yoga class or do things that showed me his feelings were not equal to mine. I was madly in love with him, and had an affair with him as well while married to Cliff.

2018: When I discovered a year ago (it is 2019 now) after immersing myself in Direct Action Everywhere chapter in Berkeley that there were many dysfunctions happening within the organization which were very damaging to my psyche.

When I experienced rejection at the church where  I attended

All of the above were situations where I always had friends and/or family to help me. And once I started following Jesus, I had him as well for support. And I always had an increasing number of tools to help me get out of the depression, including spiritual experiences which profoundly increased my faith in a Creator who wants the best for me. Thus, I always emerged stronger and more resilient.

The worst and longest depression I experienced was in 2017 when I returned from the Animal Liberation Conference in Berkeley put on by Direct Action Everywhere. I realized when I had my more recent (2019) experiences with DxE, that even though people seemed so warm and accepting, there was probably a lot of criticism and gossip happening–similar to what happened in the church where I thought people were so loving.

In addition, a person who I thought was a dear friend, had started abandoning communication with me, and continued when I got home.

For three weeks, I was practically paralyzed and had no hope or energy. However,  my son worked for me at the time, and his encouragement helped me get out of bed every day and work at least part of the time with him. My daughter would come and sing to me, and in other ways be so loving and nurturing. Robert waited on me hand and foot, and prayed with me daily.

I had a spiritual director/therapist who helped me tremendously. Those things, combined with taking short walks, being outside and doing a bit of gardening, helped me to emerge from what was one of the scariest times of my life. I called it my dark night of my soul at the time. But maybe it was just plain old depression. I didn’t want to talk to or see anyone except for my immediate family.

Now, I could more deeply empathize with people who were depressed and felt immobilized. Even though I had all kinds of tools to get me out of negative feelings, I was so deep into the darkness that I didn’t have the incentive to use any of them.

After that I determined to do everything in my power to prevent such a thing from happening. I think I have succeeded because for 2 years now I have not reached even close to that dark place for that length of time.

Last year when I was dealing with my 10 months old grandson Gideon being in the hospital for a week and then passing, plus my issues with DxE being worked out–I still did not get into a deep depression. I kept moving, praying, and reaching out to friends.

Even during the worst of the situation when I spoke out against DxE (learn more here) when I lost or felt betrayed by 99% of my friends in one feel swoop, I did not experience one day of depression because I just used my tools, connecting with Jesus through the use of all of them.

This intense experience of leaving DxE and feeling compelled to both help them get help and warn others of their toxic ways,  was probably the most difficult of my life. I had a few friends and my daughter helping me walk through the pain of being attacked and abandoned. Having supportive people in my life was very helpful. Yet even the two people I felt closest to were, I believe, overwhelmed by what I was going through, and they also did things to push me away. Yet I lived through that in a very healthy way! That is huge, for me. My reliance on Jesus was essential.

I also want to recommit to prevention of having the ups and downs of emotions by keeping my vagus nerve healthy as I talk about in this post. 

Ultimately, I believe we are meant to live in a healthy community where when we are truly loved and living according to our deepest values. Then, just the presence of others in a healing environment as I am envisioning the community to be, is extremely healing. Members, depending on the extent of their traumatic past, may become triggered, and we also will do regular times of healing practices. Yet more and more we will feel emotions that coincide with the present moment and that can be easily dealt with because they are indicating unmet needs or beliefs or judgements. When the heavy baggage of our past is lifted from our shoulders, we can feel our feelings with more lightness and ease.

I look forward to that time. And I am doing my best to practice it right now, instead of as I often have in the past, thinking, “I’ll be healthy once I live in community.”