“Liminal space is an inner state and sometimes an outer situation where we can begin to think and act in new ways. It is where we are betwixt and between, having left one room or stage of life but not yet entered the next. We usually enter liminal space when our former way of being is challenged or changed—perhaps when we lose a job or a loved one, during illness, at the birth of a child, or a major relocation. It is a graced time, but often does not feel “graced” in any way. In such space, we are not certain or in control. This global pandemic we now face is an example of an immense, collective liminal space.” Richard Rohr from this article. 

This describes quite accurately the state of mind I am in. I have left behind my dream of healthy community as my salvation for the time being. The pandemic has contributed to to this in some ways. Yet even more powerfully, recent visitors who came into my life with a kind of aggressive enthusiasm who then abruptly left without saying goodbye and giving specific reasons, helped me realize that I just can not handle more disappointments right now.

The 2 1/2 days that I invested in these visitors felt at first so beautiful. I was sure that because of their persistence in having me move them through the screening process I had set up–filling out an application and providing references–was a sure sign that they were serious. The story they shared so dramatically about how they were guided spiritually to our place and how they were meant to be here gave me reassurance that God had orchestrated this magnificent connection.

I really believed that at last community was going to happen!

I’m glad to say that they left behind food and various gifts–maybe out of guilt–maybe needing to lighten their load. They didn’t steal anything. They contributed some much needed help right when I needed it.

Why I allowed myself to have so much hope that at last people came who were going to get the community started–when I hardly knew them–is really the story of my life. I have, in a way, prided myself on seeing each situation as new. I have trusted people even when I had just days before had trust broken.

I know I have been guilty of betraying trust in my life. How I yearn to be totally trustworthy. I’m definitely getting better–even over the past year. Or the past 3 weeks.

But feeling so hurt and betrayed–so consistently by people who have visited to explore living in community–has left me in a place of just wanting a break from trauma.

For the first time in my life, I am withdrawing from most of my relationships, and focusing on my family.  I am spending more time in silence. Less time on Facebook. Less time communicating on line.

This additional paragraph from Richard Rohr’s article here sums up what I am going through.

“In liminal space we sometimes need to not-do and not-perform according to our usual successful patterns. We actually need to fail abruptly and deliberately falter to understand other dimensions of life. We need to be silent instead of speaking, experience emptiness instead of fullness, anonymity instead of persona, and pennilessness instead of plenty. In liminal space, we descend and intentionally do not come back out or up immediately. It takes time but this experience can help us reenter the world with freedom and new, creative approaches to life.”

I look forward to a new way of being. I hope soon!