I feel inspired to write about my spiritual views in the hopes that they might be helpful to searching souls who are yearning to find some meaning in life. Twice within 24 hours I met 22 year old women who are seeking truth, and I write this with them in mind.

When I think about how when I was 20 years old, after traveling for 8 months by myself from Europe overland to India and then ending up in Sri Lanka, I wish I could have had the comfort of someone wiser than myself who could have shed some light on reality. You see, I was an agnostic, yet had experiences with an Indian guru performing inexplicable feats of magic and his disciples who gave testimonies of the supernatural powers of Sai Baba. I was not inspired by Sai Baba and his teachings, but the experience with visiting his ashram forced me to rethink my beliefs that the only thing that was real were material things that I could experience my senses.

Leaving the Methodist Church at age 16 because I experienced hypocrisy was one of my first acts of going against the grain. I was finally developing critical thinking. My question, “Why do we have to go through Jesus to get to God–why can’t we go straight to God?” was laughed at by the youth counselor and that was the last straw. I became a seeker of truth, and sadly developed the philosophy “if it feels good, do it,” after a few efforts to find other spiritual paths that might be satisfactory and fill that God shaped hole in my heart that I believe everyone has.

I am glad to be reminded of this idea and I did research on the concept which was very inspiring to me. Here is the quote from Blaise Pascal who expressed this theory very eloquently:

“What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself.”
– Blaise Pascal, Pensées VII(425)

When I embarked on my journey to first Europe then East Asia, I kept saying, “I’m looking for my niche.” I knew there was something missing in my life, and how grateful I am that God led me to this experience which saved me from a life of promiscuity, pleasure seeking, and total immorality. The worst thing I did was to have an affair with one of my married professors while at the same time betraying my boyfriend. Drugs and alcohol. fortunately I did not mix with my addiction to sex. But the belief that somehow I would be happy by having sex with multiple partners was influenced by society in so many ways. Certainly I made that choice, yet I have compassion for people who make poor decisions because of the programming they receive from various sources.

In Sri Lanka I had a spiritual experience which was the beginning of a very long journey leading me to the Jesus I never knew in the religious atmosphere in which I was raised. After 8 months of traveling I perceived that was no closer to finding my niche than when I started. Although my experience with Sai Baba had given me a revelation of possibilities, I still felt so confused and discouraged. I was depleted–emotionally and physically after a very intense time of solo traveling.

In my desperation, I went to a Buddhist monastery where the head monk assured me that if I could meditate for 21 days, I would find the peace I was seeking. I stayed for 2 or 3 days, with the only break from meditating being to eat twice a day. I had never meditated before. I realized that I was going to go crazy living this way, and my hopes for enlightenment were dashed as I left with great sadness.

But I saw in Colombo, the capital city of Sri Lanka, a marquis which advertised the movie Godspell which you can learn about here: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070121/

I was transfixed, and my deep depression started to lift just a little bit. I lived out of town a ways, but I came back to Colombo 5 or 6 more times to watch the movie, and each time I felt strengthened and inspired.

This experience was the beginning of many where I could directly see how Jesus intervened in my life in a way that was clear yet inexplicable. Even though I did not want to return to organized religion where people believed that Jesus was the “only way,” I was always seeking him.

After my experience with Jesus through the movie Godspell, I experienced a number of miraculous events which helped me to return safely to the United States 5 months later. My desire to find my niche was fulfilled on the plane trip back when I had a profound revelation almost as powerful as when I felt compelled by an unseen force (who I now believe was Jesus) to leave college and travel. This is what I sensed was being told to me:

“The only way you will be happy is if you serve and do those things which you love to do in order to serve.”

The belief that I would have to do something I really disliked in order to serve was dispelled and I now embarked on a journey to discover what talents I had, what I loved to do, and what service would be most fruitful and satisfying. Finally, I believe I have found the answer to these questions as I endeavor to work with others to design and create the Wilberforce Village.

If only I had known about Christian Universalism, where the belief based on history and scripture has proven to me with overwhelming evidence, that the teaching of eternal conscious torment, AKA “hell” was not taught by Jesus or the early Christians. Perhaps I would have been willing to have a relationship with Jesus earlier and been able to avoid so many hurtful experiences. Even though I had the wonderful experience of being freed from the prison of thinking that sex was the ultimate satisfier of my cravings, I still had decades of experiences to go through before I could give that addiction up.

And that is a reason I write this–because I hope people can avoid the mistake of rejecting Jesus because they think that he and his people all teach the concept that God is so cruel as to condemn people to eternal unending torture just because they do not believe a certain way.

When I decided to surrender my life to Jesus about 23 years ago, at the age of 46, I did so as an act of desperation because I had met people who seemed to have a peace and faith that I wanted. They seemed to love my family and I in spite of our “unbelief.” I also was introduced to Christian apologetics which is not about apologizing for beliefs, but rather introducing evidence of why beliefs make sense. Sean McDowell is one of my favorite Christian apologetics teacher. https://seanmcdowell.org/author/bio

Although I was rejected by other Christians once I surrendered my life to Jesus, I could not let him go, even though I wanted to. Ironically, I was loved unconditionally until I called myself Christian. Once I had that label, many expectations were placed upon me. Within a year or two, I was ready to leave my faith, and I immersed myself in the study of liberal theology which sought to prove that Jesus was not God incarnate, and that the scriptures had no authority and little truth that would make a difference. I also read books about atheism and was drawn to one potential friend who was an atheist.

Yet in all my seeking to prove that Jesus was not worth following, I saw flaws in the logic that I could not overlook. I kept seeking truth and found that having a relationship with Jesus was the only answer that satisfied me

About 8 years ago I discovered the Immanuel Approach which is a method of connecting with Jesus designed to heal past trauma. I adapted a very simple approach inspired by this method which I will write more about later. Basically I just go back in time and remember experiences I have had which gave me proof that some higher power was guiding me and loving me. I call that higher power Jesus, Abba Father and Holy Spirit–the holy Trinity–but I focus mostly on Jesus.

After I connect with Jesus in this way, I then recall a traumatic, sad experience and I let Jesus console me. I imagine him carrying me, or me with my head in his lap and he is stroking my hair–something I have long felt is the most comforting action for my healing. I ask him to tell me where he was in the trauma, what I needed to learn, and what words of wisdom does he have in this moment. I always hear something uplifting.

Is my experience really with Jesus? Is this simply a guided meditation that is only going on my head and does not involve an external influence? Perhaps.

And yet, after doing this spiritual practice almost every single morning, sometimes for hours, for the past year has yielded a peace I have never experienced. I would do this practice intermittently for about 7 years and finally settled on this simple way of connecting with Jesus which finally was so satisfying and even blissful that I want to spend this precious time with him. My goal is to keep this connection with Jesus all day and even in my dreams. I want to be guided by him because I believe that Jesus has my highest good in mind, and knows better than I do as to how to proceed.

I see his hand in my life every single day. I celebrate with so much gratitude towards him and those who I interact with who seem to be carrying out his will knowingly or unknowingly. Even in the destructive things that happen, I see good things emerging. I question Jesus periodically and say, “Why do you allow so much suffering?” and I sense that his answer is “My children need to learn their lessons–and this is the only way.” My ongoing prayer is that I can hear his voice and be guided by him so I might do those things that will help people wake up and not have to learn their lessons in such a painful way.

I believe that prayer has been answered in this vision for Wilberforce Village. https://fruitfulveganvillage.com/2023/09/16/part-2-a-vision-for-wilberforce-village/

I still have my moments and even hours of discouragement, but the low level depression and anxiety that permeated my consciousness so much is gone. Replaced by a growing awareness of Jesus presence, guidance and love for me and all of life, I am finding life to be an adventure that every day yields delight, surprises, joy, and growth. When I grieve, I do so with hope that our Creator, Father God, will restore all things to the perfect state that he intended us all to live in. One of the most inspiring scriptures for me is Isaiah’s prophecy:

6The wolf will live with the lamb,

and the leopard will lie down with the goat;

the calf and young lion and fatling will be together,a

and a little child will lead them. Isaiah 11:6

I want to encourage you, dear reader, to simply be open to the possibility that our Creator is good, and wants the best for all of creation. I also believe because of scientific evidence that reincarnation is a reality. My hope is that our Creator has designed the universe in order for all of us to evolve through more than one lifetime to become the kind, wise, cooperative beings who live together in communities in such a way that nurtures all of life. That is my vision for Wilberforce Village–that we can demonstrate a way of living that is in alignment with God’s design. I don’t require people to believe as I do, but rather that they have the sincere desire to seek the truth of how we may live in such a way that yields only flourishing for people, animals, plants, insects, and everything that exists on our earth and in the universe.

Thank you dear young women who inspired me to write this. I hope my sharing is helpful and can assist you on your journey towards healing and wholeness. My prayer is that I can be instrumental in helping people fill that God-shaped hole in their hearts with something that can yield fruit that results in lives that contribute to the well being of this planet.