The word “Christian Universalist” is often confusing to people, so I want to define it from the very beginning of this article. This is taken from the Christian Universalist Association website:

The CUA is an association of churches, along with individuals. We teach the overwhelming historical and scriptural evidence that all are reconciled to God; as revealed in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Like the early Church, we spread this message with an emphasis on how it positively impacts and motivates people to love in action (James 2:8).

Part One: Leaving the Methodist Church

I lived in a number of different places when I was growing up because my father was in the Navy. But there was always the security of being part of the nearest United Methodist Church which my parents would immediately join once we relocated. I liked all the activities associated with church as a child. I hated, when I was about 10, having to attend church services where the sermon seemed to go on forever. I still remember the title of one sermon: “Stop the World, I want to Get Off.” I wanted to stop the sermon and get out of there!

In National City, California, we attended the local UMC from the time I was 11. My parents, as usual, were very active as lay leaders, and I was at church activities often. I never questioned my faith, until that fateful day when I was 16, back in 1970. “Why do we have to go through Jesus to get to God?” I innocently asked the youth pastor. I had attended confirmation classes and was officially a member by this time. But somehow I did not get the memo that Jesus was God! I believe in the Holy Trinity, and now my studies show that Jesus did say he was God and the early Christians believed this. Most Christians do believe this to be true now.

I wish that the pastor could have introduced me to former atheist turned passionate Christian C.S. Lewis. In his wonderful book, “Mere Christianity,” he writes:

“I am trying here to prevent anyone from saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic– on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg– or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”

Alas, it was not to be so. This Christian leader of youth laughed at me, as I recall. I felt so frustrated. This was the last straw. I had seen hypocrisy in the church including in my own parents, and fellow youth group members. I even attended a class sponsored by our youth group pastor where a Buddhist spoke. I was more drawn to Buddhism than I was to Christianity.

I told my parents I was quitting. They didn’t seem to mind. I told the pastor I was renouncing my membership. He had no objections. This was strange! But I was out of the church, and I was glad. Within a year or so, I joined Jehovah’s witnesses because a close friend had become a JW, and I was inspired by her transformation. I also wanted knowledge that I could really be secure in knowing. I wanted all my questions answered. After about 6 months, I realized that this was not the Truth I was seeking. I was sad to leave the wholesome community atmosphere, but I just could not fake it.

I learned at the United Methodist Church about sex. There was a course where the instructor said, “Above the waist touching, including kissing and handholding, are light petting. That is okay. Below the waist touching is heavy petting. That’s not okay.” Unfortunately, the light petting I engaged in with my first boyfriend when I was 15 led to heavy petting. Although we did not have intercourse, the vulnerability of this kind of connection was of course intense. When Ralphie ditched me without any word–not even a note–I was devastated. I had a few more boyfriends with whom I had “light petting,” and then as a senior in high school I met a young man who I fell in love with. We had a situation where we could have sex in his bedroom and that led to sexual intercourse.

I became promiscuous and betrayed my boyfriend repeatedly. I even had an affair with a married professor. Double betrayal. I seemed to have no conscious. I was on birth control pills easily obtained when I was a minor from Planned Parenthood, but at one point when I missed my period I thought I was pregnant. My first though was to call PP to find out about how to get an abortion–and it was easy. Fortunately I did not have to endure that horrible fate since I was not pregnant.

I think I got indocrinated with the value, “if it feels good do it” but I don’t know where that came from because until I went against what I knew were my parents values of no sex outside of marriagre, I had a very good moral compass even after I left church. Sleeping with my first boyfriend was the worst violation. Somehow I could justify the other sexual experiences because, perhaps, my parents never sat me down and talked about such things.

Here are more details about that period of my life.

When I was backpacking at age 18 with my two friends, Sue and Susan, I had a revelation from God. I did not believe in God, but I believe with all my heart God was saving me. I sensed a message coming from outside of myself, “You need to travel and get out of the United States.”

For the next year I attended San Diego State College for my second year, and worked at Fotomat to make money to buy my $200 plane ticket and have money for the journey. I bought a one way ticket and chose to go alone so that I would be totally free to choose what I did, and how long I stayed. Around August, 1974, age 19, l departed, not know that this journey would transform my life forever.

Well, I hoped I would find my “niche.” I had no purpose and we all need purpose. After thirteen months of traveling from Europe to Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, India, and Sri Lanka, I returned to the United States with a completely different philosophy of life. “If it feels good do it” changed to “the only way I will be happy is to serve and joyfully use my talents to do so.” I had this epiphany on the flight back.

I wrote the story of those thirteen months in a book called “Travels to the East” which I still fail to try to sell even though I still have the self-published, hand stapled copies. Some day I want to promote it. The stories of how I almost got raped, possibly killed, at least 4 times are dramatic. My loneliness, observation of suffering, deep depression that lifted when I watched the movie Godspell 6 times in a row, and how I managed to get from Sri Lanka all the way to Iran when I was very sick are all testimonials of how God saved me even though I did not believe in him or his son. I was an agnostic, seeking for Truth, and finally I found Him, Jesus, in a most spectacular way.

Telling every detail of the next 33 years would be a book I long to write, but for now I will say that I know I was seeking Jesus and just couldn’t meet Christians who could inspire me to trust Jesus. I kept having disappointing experiences with Christians especially those who would say to me with very little compassion, “are you saved?.” When I would answer, “If that means believing in Jesus as my savior, no,” the answer was always, “Well, you are going to go to hell if you don’t confess Jesus as your savior.” “How do you know,” I would ask. “because the bible says so.” “Why do you trust the Bible?” “Because the Bible says so.” The conversation would end there because I just would not argue with circular reasoning such as that.

A series of events that proves that God works everything together for the good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes is a true statement happened in the year 2000. Yet again, the story could take up a book, so I shall speed forward to how Robert (my now former husband) and our 4 year old daughter were able to fulfill a dream of moving to the country and renting a run down farmhouse for only $150. One day Robert was driving our old truck down the county road with our kayak on the top. Bob Rutz, who eventually sold us land in a Christian neighborhood, waved Robert down and asked him where he was going. Now this is extremely unusual in the country!

“I’m going to take my daughter to Beaver Lake,” was Robert’s answer. “Well, feel free to put your kayak in at Prayer Lake any time,” was Bob’s reply. Prayer Lake was a lake we would drive by on our way to town. Often I would think as we drove by the lovely 40 acre manmade lake with a few nice homes built near the shore, “Those rich people would never let us swim in their lake.” That just tells you the power of negative thinking! God gives us so much grace!

Because we did take up Bob’s offer to go kayaking on the lake, we ended up meeting folks who were attending the weekly house church meeting along with a potluck. They invited us to come to their service, and because the families who were part of the church were all homeschoolers and “red pilled” we fit right in. Except, of course, we were not Christian! But they knew that from the start because the first sentence out of my mouth when I met the ladies after our kayak adventure were, “I’m not a Christian and I don’t want to be converted.” I’m sure they immediately started praying. But they were very gracious and were not pushy. In a way, I was saying, “I want to follow Jesus but I need a lot more than what I have been shown before.”

My family and I felt more loved by these people than by any other group. We had regular all day Sunday meetings which were unstructured and included lots of fellowship time, invitations to all the activities like homeschooling groups and birthday parties, and almost everything that I wanted in community. My daughter had her 5 year birthday party in the community building and everyone, about 40 people of all ages, attended. After a few months of telling my son and his father about how great Sunday gatherings were, the started coming and fitting in quite well. Yet we were not Christian. We even started building sweat equity with Robert helping Bob build his house so that we could put a down payment on land in the neighborhood. Now that is how I think Christians should treat non-Christians!

I started studying Christian apologetics. No, this does not mean apologizing for being Christian! Here is the definition:

Christian apologetics is the practice of providing rational and evidence-based defenses of the Christian faith. It involves using reason, logic, and evidence to address objections and criticisms of Christianity, and to demonstrate the validity and coherence of its teachings.

I saw the passion and love for Jesus exemplified in peoples’ actions and I decided that even though I still had questions, I had enough proof that Jesus was worth surrendering to and saying to him “You are Lord of my life.” One day I had enough of seeking, which I had done every since I left the church at 16 by exploring Self Realization Fellowship, Ascended Masters Teachings, Native American teachings, Buddhism, and other paths. While I was driving, in 2001, I simply said, “I surrender to you Jesus–at least for now. If it doesn’t work out, I am out of here!”

Well, a kind of peace descended on me that was tangible. I still didn’t want to make a public confession so I could back out if I needed to. But I finally did share my testimony, and a week later, Robert (now former husband) made a public confession of faith, and a week later my 5 year old daughter did so as well. She simply watched a movie about Jesus and asked me to lead her to Christ! She and Robert are still strong Christians, along with my son Chris who surrendered his life to Christ about a year later.

I was willing to take a leap of faith even though I still had issues with many things that most of the members of the community believed, including the idea of penal substitution and eternal conscious torment. Of course, the word “hell” sounds a bit less daunting, but I always like to say eternal conscious torment because the full weight of the unjust punishment by a so-called loving God becomes clear.

I almost left my faith when issues with members arose that were not resolved in constructive ways. We did not have clear conflict resolution policies. Most churches don’t, and that is a big problem. The bliss of community was shattered because, mainly, when I became a Christian there were expectations of me and my family that had not been articulated. A downward spiral occurred where we all did things that led to misunderstandings, gossip, mistrust, and rejection. I take full responsibility for my contribution to the fiasco, and I just yearn to see better ways of resolving conflicts happening in churches and really all organizations.

These people are still my neighbors and although there is still healing that needs to be done after about 23 years of not totally resolving the conflicts, I respect them, love them, have forgiven them and myself. I cooperate with some of them in various ways. I know that complete healing will happen eventually, even if it happens in the next life. We do come together in cases of emergencies like putting out fires or when people have other emergencies, so that is very good.

I see now that I was trusting in people, not Jesus, although it is a sad fact that many people leave their Christian faith because of people’s tragic actions. But God had gotten a hold of me and this time was not going to let me go!

I had intense and wonderful experiences with Jesus who continues to save me from my weaknesses and helps me heal from my past trauma. I clung to my faith even though I had more bad experiences with Christians in other churches. When I came across Christian Universalism in 2015 when I wrote my first blog post about this topic, I knew I had found the doctrine I could totally embrace and share with others. The idea of eternal conscious torment being the punishment by God for simply not believing in Jesus was something that seemed preposterous to me. It would be like this scenario where I say to you, “Would you like to join my community and commit to stay here for the rest of your life?” and you say, “No, thank you.” Then I say, “Okay, I am going to make you suffer eternally since you have refused my beautiful offer.”

Yikes.

I have been rejected by many Christians because of my beliefs. The sad stories I could tell do not match the ones that pastors and lifelong members of churches share. People who believe that God is so loving and powerful that he will find a way to save everyone, are rejected in such dramatic and hurtful ways. But we are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. And we do.

I have suffered a lot over the past 24 years since I gave my life to Christ. And yet Jesus has been with me the whole time, I know. But when I developed a 2-3 hour morning routine of spending time with Jesus which you can read about here, I really had profound healing and connection with Jesus where I now am experiencing more stability, positive experiences with people, and a sense of peace that is not easily threatened. I do not say this to toot my own horn–because spending this time is very satisfying and quite easy to do. The time flies by! I’m not sure exactly when I became very consistent but it has been at least 2 years. I feel so grateful to Karl Lehman for developing the Immanuel Approach which inspired me to create this practice.

As my father used to say, “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” I still have not found a church I feel aligned with totally, and I do believe that the Bible and Jesus teaches that a plant based diet and a life of nonviolence to all of life is the ideal. Yet I respect people who believe in things like eternal conscious torment and killing animals for food. I want them to be able to participate in the Wilberforce Village activities in various ways and get to know other Christian Universalist vegans (I haven’t found any yet!). I do want to start a church eventually, and the Wilberforce Community can be a place where such an ideal can manifest. I pray that Wilberforce Village will be a thriving home for many, and a place for people seeking how to live a truly fulfilled life to find sanctuary at least temporarily experience the Christian vegan lifestyle and learn countless other useful things which I share on my blog.

Thanks for listening. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings.