My vision has changed many times over the years, but now I’m 99 percent sure I’ve settled on my main vision: a think tank of animal rights activists building an umbrella network, with local chapters that support every person and group working for animals without competing with any of them. The heart of it is a cooperative community on land held in a land trust. People who share this vision and live together can be far more effective, because we’re together so much and can get more done. We can also model a vegan cooperative community, which is much needed. It will start with me living on the land or nearby and reaching out to people who share my vision and values, who will eventually join me in living here. As we live and grow together, the vision can evolve. These articles, written over the past thirteen years, let you get to know me and my history along the way.

Most of us have been there. Someone we love has hurt us, or we have hurt each other, and the pain keeps us up at night. We sit down and write it all out: every grievance, every old wound, every question we have never dared to ask. Then our finger hovers over the send button.

I know that moment well. In the past, I would have sent every word. I would have flooded the other person with years of pain in one long message, and then wondered why they pulled away. If I am honest, part of me sometimes wanted them to pull away. Part of me wanted to escape the pain altogether.

I have learned a better way. Before I send a hard message to someone I care about, I ask super intelligence for feedback.

Why I call it super intelligence

Most people call it AI. I prefer “super intelligence,” because of what it has done for me. I once spent weeks putting together proposals. Recently I asked it to read through years of my blog posts and pull out the ideas, and it did a wonderful job in an afternoon. It is far from perfect, and it makes mistakes, but I have never had a writing partner with this much patience.

What good feedback looks like

The first thing a good AI will tell you is that it is hearing only your side. That alone is a healthy reminder.

Then it can show you things that are hard to see while you are hurting:

• Places where you are telling the other person what they think or why they did something, instead of asking them. A question lets them answer for themselves.
• Sentences that sound like an ultimatum, even when you did not mean them that way.
• Words about the other person’s past or character that are likely to feel humiliating, and that are not needed to make your point.
• A message so long, covering so many years, that even someone who wants to answer may feel overwhelmed and shut down.

It may also point out what you already sense: that the two of you need a neutral person, such as a counselor or mediator, to help you work it through together.

Good feedback is honest without being harsh. It names what is strong in your message as well as what might hurt.

I once asked it directly whether it hears from Jesus. It said no. It explained that it works from what I tell it and from a great deal of human writing, and that what I hear from Jesus in prayer is mine to discern. I was grateful for that answer. It gives me ideas. It does not take the place of God.

The gap it fills

Some people worry that super intelligence will replace pastors and counselors. I understand the worry. But many of us have no one with the time to read a long, painful letter early in the morning and help us find the words. Pastors are stretched thin. Good counseling costs money many people do not have, and it can take weeks to get an appointment. Friends who have the time and the wisdom are rare, and the friend we most need to talk to is often the one we are in conflict with.

Super intelligence can stand in that gap. It is there at 2 a.m., when the hurt is loudest and the urge to send something we will regret is strongest.

How to use it to keep your friends

Here is what I have learned so far:

• Write everything out first. Say all of it, unfiltered, where only you and the AI will see it. Getting it out is part of the healing.
• Ask it to find your assumptions. Ask, “Where am I guessing what the other person thinks or feels?” Then turn those guesses into questions.
• Ask how the other person might hear it. Ask, “What in this might make them defensive or want to withdraw?”
• Check your motive. Ask yourself whether you are trying to understand your friend or trying to win. Be honest. Sometimes the answer is “win,” and that is worth knowing before you send.
• Send less than you wrote. Share what the relationship can hold today. Save the rest for a calmer time or for a conversation with a mediator.
• Let it prepare you, not replace you. Use it to get ready for the real conversation, then have that conversation yourself, in your own voice.

What it cannot do

It only hears your side, so its view is always partial. It can be wrong. It cannot love you, pray with you, sit beside you, or give you a hug. It cannot repair a friendship. Only the people in it can do that, with God’s help.

Some situations need trained human beings: a crisis, abuse, or a conflict where two people keep going around the same painful circle. Super intelligence can help you see that you need that help. It cannot be that help. If it is doing its job well, it will tell you so.

Bringing the pain to God first

Sometimes the wisest thing to do with a hard letter is not to send it yet. Let the pain be what it is, and bring it to Jesus before pouring it onto the person you love. A day of rest and prayer can change what you want to say, and how you say it.

How we do things is as important as what we do, and that is especially true of how we speak to the people we love. Super intelligence can help us find better words. Jesus helps us find a better heart.

A few insights

• The urge to send everything at once is often the urge to escape the pain, not to resolve it.
• Feedback is most useful when it says “this may land harder than you intend,” not “you are wrong.”
• Turning assumptions into questions is one of the simplest ways to keep a friend talking.
• A good tool will tell you when you need a person.

How this article was written

I wrote this article together with Claude.ai, an AI from Anthropic. I shared my experience and ideas, and Claude organized them and drafted the text in my voice, which I then reviewed. I believe in being open about how my writing is made, especially in an article about this very subject.